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19 NOVEMBER 2018

 

Fistic Christmas Carols




By Thomas Hauser
The sweet science exists in a world of its own. Thus, in the spirit of the holiday season, I'd like to offer the following Christmas carols, honouring various members of the boxing community.



DECK THE HALLS (BERNARD HOPKINS)

Once I worked with Lou DiBella
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I said Lou was a great fella
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
People thought we were like brothers
Tra-la-la, la-la-la, la la la
Now I'm just like all the others
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la

****

RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (CEDRIC KUSHNER)

Cedric, the sweet promoter
Was a man of grace and taste
Known for his walrus mustache
And his most expansive waist
Many of his ring rivals
Ranked as less-than-decent folks
They used to diss poor Cedric
With the most offensive jokes

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Cedric you're built just like me
Won't you work tonight for free
But like a true promoter
Cedric shouted out, "No way!
I won't deliver presents
Anywhere unless you pay."

****

GOOD KING WENCELES (DON KING)

Don King is a piece of work
Unlike any other
Don King says that every man
Is his dearest brother
But it seems that every time
There's cash for the taking
Don King somehow makes much more
Than his brother's maa-aa-king

****

WHITE CHRISTMAS (ARTURO GATTI)

I'm dreaming of the Ward rematch
Just like the war we had before
Where we fought with glory
And it was gory
But they paid a whole lot more

I'm dreaming of the Ward rematch
With every day that passes by
And I tell the fans who ask why
I'm an old-time-boxing kind of guy

****

I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS (ROBERT LEE)

I saw people bribing Robert Lee
On the tapes Doug Beavers made last year
Ten thousand at a pop
It didn't seem to stop
But Robert didn't know Doug had been wired by a cop

Then Robert was indicted by the feds
Fingerprinted and let out on bail
What a laugh it really was
To see it happening because
Robert Lee is heading off to jail

****

GOD REST YE, MERRY GENTLEMEN (FELIX TRINIDAD)

Retire, Felix Trinidad
What's that we hear you say?
No matter what you tell us now
You'll fight another day
You'll climb into the ring again
For pleasure and for pay
Against Hopkins or Jones or De La Hoya
De La Hoya
Against Hopkins or Jones or De La Hoya


****
JINGLE BELLS (MIKE TYSON)

Smashing through the snow
With Shelly at my side
Making lots of dough
While my ring skills slide
Buster knocked me out
Evander did it twice
Look at all the cash I'll make
As long as I'm not nice

Oh . . .
Iron Mike, Iron Mike
That's what they call me
But it's been a long long time
Since my last victory-eee
Iron Mike, Iron Mike
Memphis without doubt
Was the worst night of the year
'Cause Lennox knocked me out



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